your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
