Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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