I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
