If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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