He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
