I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
