tell your sister to shave her snatch
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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