what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
