Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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