Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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