omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
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at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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