she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
