Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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