I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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