So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
