I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
