Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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