Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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