So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
