She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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