no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
