I need to stop coming to work sober
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
