What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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