Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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