so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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