I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
