So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
