fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
