How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
