Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm always down for nudity.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
