I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
