theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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