my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
