i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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