That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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