overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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