I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
