you have to choose: penises or morals?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
