Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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