Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think my fart just growled at me.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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