What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
