Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
