I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
