Swine flu. Run for my life!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
