Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
i out mim tonsoeep
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
