i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
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Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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