My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
