He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
