Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
