don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
