The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
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I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
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He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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