everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
