That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
