a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
