So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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