There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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