the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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