did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
